Testes, testes, 1,2....3?

Ok I don't really know what the hell to start with, I usually find that a cocktail helps facilitate the writing process, but since I am no longer drinking during the week, this will be challenging. Don't worry, I make up for what I've missed during the week on the week-ends, which really sort of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?
Anyway, so much shit went down today! It was crazy! Everyone got their panties all bunched up about Kanye West yelling at some little girl (who is creepily tall, by the way) who I wouldn't even have recognized if she walked in my front door right now. Seriously, I thought she had a show on the Disney Channel or some shit. I had to ask my sister Beavis a few months ago, "Who is singing this shit?" and she was all "Taylor Swift", and all this time I thought she was on some tween show but really she belts out country-ish tunes. Whatever. So now everyone is all mad at my Kanye. But I mean, what the fuck? Really? What did you think was gonna happen when you invited the crazy to your party? When you invite the unstable relative to the family reunion (I'm talking to you, sister-in-law), it is on like Donkey Kong.
Kanye is just crazier than a shit house rat, that's what he does. It's who he is. So you can't get pissed at him. His hair, by the way, is hot. I don't care how crazy he is, he wears some amazing, crazy-ass stuff. I love that. And he was right, when you think about it, because hello? Did you see the "Single Ladies" video? Who hasn't tried to do that dance a million times in front of the tv? I call that quality time with the family, personally. True story, the other day we were sitting outside under the patio at Sonic, and that song came on and my kids starting breaking it down like we are the freaking Jacksons or something.
So my point is, boring, who cares, move on, and really does anyone watch MTV anymore? Besides my husband, of course.
For some reason, this morning I started watching The View. I guess sometimes I don't like myself very much and I punish myself like that. Whoopi Goldberg....oh fuck it, I don't even care enough to even continue this rant. Next.
I spent most of today watching the clock, waiting for Oprah to hurry up and come on. You know today was WHITNEY DAY. I thought the whole thing was rather bland, I want to hear about blood and gore, because child please, you know there was some nasty shit up in that crack den. And I must have given about 300 side-eyes during that show, starting with the part where she was all "He was never physical" but then in the next segment she described various incidents where he slapped, grabbed, choked, and spit on her. Bobbaaay can totally suck my balls, for many reasons. He fathered children with other women during that marriage, and she still kept his ass around. What the hell is that? And she said she never smoked crack, per se, like she is too uppity for all that. But I call bullshit on that, because I used the read the National Enquirer every Friday, and they had pictures of her bathroom counter and it was littered with pipes.
She said she would freebase all day long (I love how I'm using terms like "freebase" when I actually have no fucking idea what that means, just pretend I'm street) and that she still read her Bible everyday. Whitney can sang her ass off. Or she could.....her speaking voice sounded kinda shot today, so I question how someone can smoke the cocaine for years and years and still be able to SAAANG. I try not to hate on Whit too much, because shit happens to us all, but you know, the only regret I have about anything in my life is that I cannot sing. Sometimes people are kind and say "Oh, you sing good". Insert side-eye. I know these people are liars and that is just wrong.
I sat there watching the whole thing, and then found out it's a TO BE CONTINUED, which just chaps my ass because I have better things to do than sit around watching freaking Oprah Winfrey but I'm locked in now. And you know Wednesday is all about Michael Jackson, so I may as well write this whole week off. Sack of shit, party of one, your table is ready.