Quick, Before the Propofol Kicks In

Apparently, fiber makes for terrible farts. Last week, I realized that it might be time to add some fiber to my diet because my eating habits have been atrocious for the last month or so and I spent Friday doubled over in constipation, among other things. So I got back on track foodwise, and am eating high-fiber oatmeal and a banana for breakfast, followed by a midday fiber bar. I have never been so gassy in my life, I have been breaking hearts and leaving farts all over town. I feel bad for people who walk up on me in a store. Anyway, getting old is rather embarrassing. Who knew?
How about Celine Dion all up on the Oprah show taking about how "she grew up listening to Whitney Houston" and how she is such an inspiration. Bitch, you're the same age! Ok, not exactly, Whitney is 5 years older. Celine got a huge side-eye for that one. What a passive-aggressive compliment that was. Celine grew up listening to the smooth sounds of Rene Angelil. It's true, Wikipedia that shit. Also, he gambles one million dollars a week. Meanwhile, I can't afford to supersize my Big Mac Value Meal (voms....not really). Whatever, Celine, Whitney could totally take you in a fight.
Tonight I had to go to a little parent's workshop at my daughters school (where I was holding in gas like CRAZY). Wait, when I reread that sentence, it sounds like I am a parent who is small in stature. I am of average height. Nevermind, the point was, I was at this meeting, eating pizza and other crapola and clockwatching like a mofo, because you know tonight is totally my CW night. I didn't get out of there until 7:45 and that really ticked me off because bedtime for kids is 8, no later. Grrr. Thank God for a DVR, that's all I have to say.
And so 90210 was not nearly as exciting as the previews from the end of last week's episode promised. Why am I such a moron? Why do I always fall for that shit? ALWAYS. The show isn't even that good, and then tonight was so random because just out of nowhere, for absolutely no reason relating to the story or the plot, Rumer Willis was a guest star. Not even a guest star, more like an extra....she was on camera like 3 minutes total, if that. She spoke one or two lines, and was playing my least favorite type of character...the quirky, nerdy type wearing glasses to hide the fact that she is so fucking awesomely HOT. I hate that character, always. Because let me tell you, I was the nerdy, quirky girl and I was not considered hot or awesome. So it always brings out the side-eye when Hollywood plops some glasses and Converse Hi-Tops on some chick and calls her "nerdy". Grrrr. Does that make sense? Maybe my point is more this: Rumer Willis has no idea what it's like to be the unattractive, nerdy girl (no matter what she looks like....she is popular by default) and hot chicks do not purposely walk around looking like nerds. Also, jocks and popular guys do not fall for the nerdy girl who is really hot underneath the nerdy facade. Bleev dat, bitches, I spent a large majority of 1989 and 1990 waiting for just that to happen. Thanks a lot, Molly Ringwald and your stupid fake movies.
Shit, now I'm just completely ranting about nothing.
Ok, so, 90210 blah blah blah this show is stupid why do I do this to myself but wow I love how these kids dress, I'm so old, I should just give up and start wearing Sansabelt slacks and Easy Rider shoes, wait no Easy Stride? Oh hell, who knows but wait, Is Bo Duke guest starring on 90210? Seriously am I stoned? I don't smoke the weed (Whitney) but it is really making me wonder if maybe that brownie I had at the school meeting was of the pot variety? And Bo Duke is even playing a mean, drunken character. I can't stand it, I need a fainting couch because I totally have the vapors now, and no it isn't my gas.
Tuesday night is just a hot, disastrous mess. I swear I am gonna quit next week. I will totally quit Melrose Place, because it sucks major balls. And blows goats. And I just don't care. Also, Ashlee Fartface is really not very good, and this sucks, because I always like the underdog to succeed and honey, it doesn't get much more underdog than Ashlee (Rumer Willis, you either). Sigh, just an awful show. I don't see it lasting very much longer. Failure.
I'm going to bed, I'm done. Peace out, bitches.